OK film fans, it's Sunday night and my sinuses have been killing me all day. Perhaps that a little too much information, but it's also the reason I have been laying in a semi-comatose state today, preventing my much anticipated viewing of some Oscar contenders. So instead I was treated to a glimpse of an old friend, someone whose career has blossomed even though he has not one iota of acting talent in his near unbreakable bones. I first discovered Chuck Norris when I was about 13, his martial arts movies running non-stop on cable. In honor of his film career (please stop laughing) I give you my Top 5 Chuck Norris Films. By the way, there will be none of that Delta Force crap here, there's just no excuse for those films. I've also excluded The Way of the Dragon since it's a Bruce Lee film and he's not the star.
5. Forced Vengeance If you're wondering where the creators of Walker, Texas Ranger got the brilliant idea to cast Chuck, look no further (and it has Mandy Pepperidge from Animal House!).
4. Good Guys Wear Black I actually watched the last 40 minutes or so minutes of this today. I can't tell which is worse, the 70s clothing or the acting! I think the saddest part is when we get the iconic kick through a windshield scene and you can tell they used a stuntman. Nice wig.
3. Silent Rage This came out the same year as Forced Vengeance, adding to my belief that Chuck was Walker, Texas Ranger long before they offered him the part. In this film he is "Sheriff Dan Stevens". Chuck stops a homicidal maniac but the doctors in the hospital decide the maniac is the perfect candidate for a new regenerative serum. The serum works a little too well creating an unstoppable killing machine. I saw this film in its natural habitat, the drive-in. It should have been titled Chuck Norris vs Michael Myers.
2. The Octagon This film stars Chuck Norris, Lee Van Cleef and Ninjas. I've heard that doctors in the Far East use clips from it to treat impotency in men and infertility in women. I saw this film on late night cable when I was a kid and was fascinated by a film with a bad guy who has no lines but actually hisses like a snake at his opponents. It's mostly crap, but the scenes in the actual Octagon are almost as sweet as this kick to the nuts. Man, it's gotta suck for these guys to lose to a blond dude with a bowl cut and a porn-stache.
1. Lone Wolf McQuade Is it just me or are most of Chuck's films just training for Walker, Texas Ranger? In this film he is J. J. McQuade, a motherf*#$ing Texas Ranger. As the title clearly states, he's a Lone Wolf, and does things his own way. That doesn't go so well for him, but it does lead to the single most awesomely stupid scene in Chuck Norris film history. That was so good you ladies may need a cigarette and you gents can now take a nap.
No comments:
Post a Comment